Thursday, December 2, 2010


Hellerr ya'll,

So I was searching YT as usual for 'big chop' videos because I am thinking about doing my BC soon. I started so far in the back but became extremely fearful of looking like a boy. I started trying my best to think about all the beautiful women who have shorter hair than I and look like women duh. But to me in my head, I am thinking here come the stares of wow she looks like a boy. Not many of you all know this but I am extremely self conscious with everything I do. With my hair especially. I am learning that no one is really looking at you, but no no no they are looking. There is always someone watching you. Whether it is the hater or the congratulater, they are watching. So I said let me view some YT vids to become inspired about this BC. Well nothing happened. All I saw were ppl who were so beautiful and comfortable with who they were with their short hair. Or kinky long curly hair. All this did was upset me. Then I looked at my hair. And thought why can't I just cut it off my head. What is the attachment. Why does my hair look this way, or feel this way. Their hair doesn't do that or this. It was I guess you can say a jealousy thing.
I then came across a YT channel called 'sushinelovespeace' and she is totally into God. Which, if your not already aware of so am I. I am learning to listen to Him speak to me and other things too. Well, in one video she discussed how some of us are jealous of things ppl have not looking at what we may have. This is so true because I have stopped watching many channels or reading blogs just because I was jealous of someone being able to either do something I think I can't do or buy something I know I can never afford. Mostly materialistic stuff. Growing up I was never jealous, ppl were jealous of me and that made me feel powerful, like I was better than someone. I always felt as though I could one up someone just so they would be jealous of me. But as you get older you realize things aren't always what they seem. While others were jealous that I got what I wanted materialistically , they didn't know that my mom had just moved out, or that bills weren't getting paid. So while we may become jealous of someone for what they can do or what they have, its best we just take a look at all the amazing things we have that others may wish for. Like good health, or a job, or even a bank account.
I am extremely thankful for my new relationship with God. He has given a new found look on my life. No one can stop me, no one. Not my parents, friends, lovers, family, no one. And before finding Him I let everything someone did or said about me or to me affect me. I was told after a I dropped out of HS, that I would never go to college. I was told I'll never be anything. I let a teacher change my views on being an actress because she told me there was no life in that. Now I am a college graduate working on my second degree. But I didn't do that because of them I did it for me. Just like a lot of things in my life. I took jobs people told me not to take, I went places people said I couldn't go. Now was that jealousy on their part, IDK, maybe it was. I do know this no more being jealousy of things I don't understand, because look at me. I am FABULOUS. I am happy. I am a Christian. I am me. Soon to be a bigger chopped me, lol. But you get what I am saying.

Writing these posts have made me a happy women. I am so proud of this opportunity, even if no one reads, I still do this for me. No more doing things for others. It stops TODAY. Good bye Jealousy, Hello-----I guess non-jealousy---lol.
Enjoy ya'lls night

Forever blessed, and never stressed!

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