Wednesday, January 25, 2012

My old mindset

This blog post should become titled as “personal diary entry #1”, because it’s definitely a look into my life at the moment. I consider myself to be pretty open with my readers and watchers, but there are some things I kind of feel are wayyy too embarrassing to express to people. I have always had the fear of being judged or made fun of for whatever reason. Call me self-conscious. I just enjoy being loved and being respected 24/7. I know that isn’t reality, but in my mind the world is made of pink bunnies and teddy bear hugs all the time. When you begin to grow up into adult hood this reality or dream disappears. So I try to hold on to it as much as possible by not doing certain things in public view, say YT. 
For the longest time I could not for the life of me possibly think why would I have found the interest to make videos on YT or make a blog in the first place. Let me back up to around 2007, when someone told me I could watch videos for free on YT. I said get out of here, free is my middle name. Well they did have some old TV shows and movies here and there but it wasn’t quite my cup of tea. I mostly would use Yahoo Music! to watch music videos or would just be so out of touch I’d forget about it all together. By 2009, I was unemployed and a fashion student that needed a video to use in a power point for school. 
This is when I found very famous fashion/beauty guru. She was listed in my “suggestion box”, which was weird because I had no idea how she got there. So I clicked and watched her vids and the next thing you know I had spent a whole day watching her. After that, I began watching so many other “gurus” that it became kind of obsessive. I learned so much in such a short amount of time. I began hitting that sub button so much that it was to like 400 subscriptions. That’s a lot I know. Here is where things go bad. I began to beat myself up after a while because I wasn’t like them. I mean they had the nice apartments, all the great collections, hauls galore, and lots of money. To me they were so important. I wanted to be them and had to be them and fast. I began thinking why don’t I have that kind of money. Maybe I should join the army or maybe sell my stuff to get more stuff to be just like them. 
Then I learned how much they got paid just to sit in front of a camera. I said wow; I am in the wrong business. The hauls made me sad but happy all at once. Then after I started writing to them some wouldn’t write back, making me feel bad. Was I not good enough? Is it because of this or that? A lot of things started running through my head. By the end of 2009, I had begun making my own videos on YT for my own personal selfish reasons. TO MAKE $!! That’s it. That was the only reason. I saw the life that these people lived and to me it was so glamorous and it had led so many to so many glamorous opportunities. I also started writing my blog in Sept 2009. Things for both were extremely slow. And I was making videos, which I thought others wanted to see. Hauls, outfit of the days, all that good stuff. I posted blogs that I thought would get me the hits. When I didn’t get any subbies, and no followers, it was a serious blow to my ego. Esp. when you put all the time and effort into editing vids and capturing pics to write on your blog. I felt like a failure. Then as time went on I began to realize it was my entire fault. 
Number 1) I never promoted my stuff. YouTube and blogging were never my first priorities. All I wanted was the money. I wanted the fame and lights. Oh yea can’t forget about the free products. 
Number 2) My hopes were in the wrong place. Like I said money was always the main things on my mind. 
Number 3) I never updated regularly. I had had no really good excuse to not upload vids, except for during the week of finals at the time or work. I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get the views or the hits. So I gave up completely. 
Then I just started posting things that I wanted to. And it just began to not matter to me anymore. If people watched or read, cool, if not then oh well. Next thing I know the blog started getting so pretty okay views. I mean nothing to brag about, but okay views. I felt like if blogging was what I wanted to do then hey I will continue to do it. It was exciting hearing people say they liked my blog. Then in June 2011 I lost my internet and that was all she wrote. After that my dog died. Then my aunt (who is still in a comatose state) got sick with brain tumors. I was able to find a connection way up high in my house to still post blogs. When I got up the “umph” to post things, in which I was up to about 1200 views a month, I no longer could afford my domain name. This made it hard for some folks to find me. Then I just gave up completely. (I’ll make another post on my recent depression some other time.) 
So where am I now with all this? Well for one, I no longer feel obligated to fulfill the need of fitting in with the Joneses or “gurus/bloggers”. Also, as of Jan2011 I began my journey to find God; meaning to become more spiritual and closer to Him. Living through the Word of the Lord. And this year I started reading and actually understanding the bible way more now than ever. Two lessons I have learned and that is that when you seek “riches” instead of Christ, it just never ends up well. And secondly, I have to do His plan and not mine; meaning His will His way. That is just how it is. And until a lot of us understand that we will always be soooooo frustrated with life instead of living the happy and peaceful life that God wants us to. 
So all those times of frustrations and wanting what other people had, I didn’t understand what they did to get where they were. Nor do I know if that is/was my destiny to be that person. Although I still gripe about certain things like views or followers, I am slowly learning that some things just are not meant to be. And that I am NOT always being punished, which is my answer to everything.  God is such a mighty God and I can never give Him too much love. So I will continue to post things when I have a connection. Nothing will change in that. Only thing that will change is my mindset and the reasons I post things or make videos in the first place. There is no behind the scenes motives any more but just me at my purest of hearts.   I am very glad to have gotten all of this off of chest. Thanks for reading guys!


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