Sunday, November 14, 2010

Losing my Faith

Hi ya'll

Yes I am back with yet another post about faith. I feel as though, YT and my blog are the only two places outside from friends and family that I can actually vent and express how i feel.
Lately, I have had this string feeling that something just is not right. You know that feeling you get in your tummy when it tells you to take another route home or not to eat in a restaurant, well it's that kind of feeling but stronger for me. When I wake up daily, I always ask God what is it that I am meant to do with my life. I have always had the fear to end up with out having a plan for my life and being without anything. Anything meaning materialistic stuff. But also food, shelter, water, etc. As I get older I have began to have more and more faith that God will see me through anything. He knows the plan that I am going to take, He knows what I will do in my life. He knows.
The thing is I don't know.
A few months ago I had to leave a job because of medical and other reasons as well. I hated going there so much that I took a pay cut and reduced my hours to weekends only so I wouldn't have to go. It was making me so sick to go there, I had migraines daily and upset stomach. After I resigned, I kept doing a few days at this showroom in NYC, which I love so much. But they were unable to keep me, and since I was graduating I needed to find that FT job I was praying for. I had faith that even though I had to quit my job, God would see me through.
That's when I found the place I am at now. This place was my dream Pay and other luxuries. But it is not my dream job. I assumed, maybe I have to pay dues before I can make it big in my life. And I figured if I was meant to be here, I was meant to stay no mater what. Then things started turning into what I had gone through before in previous jobs. Anxiety attacks from the stress and being too overwhelmed, nausea, now it's dizziness.
People say why don't you leave, you don't deserve to let a job kill your body at such a young age. Then of course you have the "if it were me" friend telling you to quit. My body is even telling me to leave. So why haven't I just left.
I think it's because I had lost my faith. I say I have faith all the time, but at that moment when I got this job it went out the window. Because the first thing the popped in my mind was "you better take it, even though something was telling me not to, because this is it". If I had kept the faith, I would have known that it would've been okay to say no. It would've been okay because He would've just sent me something else.
For me to have lost faith is just absurd. All the things I have gone through and came out of, for me to lose faith and give up is just crazy.
Just please if you don't do anything else, never lose your faith. Hold on to it forever. He will always steer you in the correct path. If something tells you that it isn't right, then its not. Really listen to that feeling because it is Always right.

~Pynkstarr~
Forever blessed, never stressed

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