Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Dealing with anxiety

I have had issues with anxiety since I was a freshmen in HS. I just remember the summer before HS I had to do a book report along with questions and vocabulary. It was basically an entire notebook if stuff. This was all due the first week of school. I wasn't just nervous because I was going to be at a new school, but I was nervous because before this I hadn't really taken school that seriously. I just went with the flow of things.

Teachers and students basically called me stupid, said I'd never be anything so I just went with it. In all honesty the only school that saw my potential was my HS. Anyhoo. I never cared about learning, never cared about college. I am pretty sure there are lots of people out there that can't believe I graduated college. And on the Dean's List at that. So it's the summer of 2001 and I am thinking what the heck did I get myself into, I don't know anyone here.

I am not all that smart, this is a college prep school with smart kids. I was excited and nervous all at once. What I know today is that is how anxiety starts. It's self inflicted. It's when you are just thinking of so many things at once, usually in a negative way. I started feeling so much tightness in my chest. This tightness increased the closer I got to my first day of school. Turned out I was actually very smart after all :). And I just needed to pace myself.

That is something I would tell my 12 year old self, don't' get too far ahead of yourself. And stay positive. Throughout HS my anxiety was up and down. Then when I was one week shy of my 16th birthday my dad told me he couldn't afford for me to go to this school anymore. At the time I was excited because my best friend moved to Florida, my other bestie left to go to public school. So I really was ready to get the heck out out there.

It wasn't until about Feb or March of 2004 that I was nervous about my life. I saw myself as the person being left behind. All my friends had amazing things going on and here I was not in school anymore without a light at the end of the tunnel. I was just so depressed but and began eating like an animal. When the ending of 2004 came around I began thinking this was supposed to be my senior year the best time of my life. I was supposed to be on cloud nine. All the negative prospects for me was all I could think about.

Around this time is when I learned about the shortness of breathe and tightness in my chest had a name. I was having Anxiety attacks this whole time. Besides stressing about school, I had gained about 15 pounds. Which to some people it's no big deal but I am 4'10" and was only about 115-120 and I was a size 4. It was a disaster. To me! Only thing I do miss was my booty. lol. Then I had even more stress when my dad lost his job in 2005. I kept thinking I am going to be homeless. I really wish someone had told me about God back then because it could have saved me a lot of worry lines. I mean I did go to Catholic school about all my life but I knew nothing about God. No one ever explained Him to me in the way I get it now. Off and on for years I dealt with anxiety and pressure. I never took meeds for it because I hate drugs. Back then I didn't know what to do but I know what to do now. What works for me may not work for others. But here is what I do.

1. I relax. When I feel like I am about to go through an attack I just breathe in and out slowly concentrating on my breathe. This helps distract me some times.
2. If breathing doesn't work I get down on my knees and pray it away, which always works.
3. I also write down my feelings before I get to the point of no return. It helps me to write things out and sometimes they turn into blog posts.
4. Thinking about the positive verses the negative is the best advice in the world.
5. If you can afford a therapist or a psychiatrist then by all means. They may have another method of action. There may even be some free options in your town. Just Google Free 'fill in the blank'.

I hope this helped someone out there. Thanks reading :)


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